Skip to main content

5 Whispers in the Ear of my Postpartum Self


“I would live in a cabin in the woods with the right man, for the opportunity to have children and raise a family.”  I said this when I was 33, after spending 15 years launching a career and travelling the globe.
My first child was born when I was 36.  My second and last birth slipped in before my 40th birthday.  I had hoped being a ‘mature Mom’ would eliminate hurdles.   With my career already established and decades of learning packed into my personal toolbox – I had this covered.  

After exceeding expectations throughout my first 30 years I could certainly balance a demanding career and parenting, along with our existing social and family life, without a hiccup.  If I read everything about effective parenting, absorbed all of the requested and uninvited advice, I would earn my supermom cape, right?

W  R  O  N  G  !  ! 


Or more accurately, I wisely realized I no longer wanted that cape.  At 47 I look back with greater insight.   If only I could whisper in the ear of my 35 year old self, I would tell me ….

1.     Accepting help builds strength.
My life experiences molded a stubborn need to be self-sufficient.  I couldn’t be a burden to anyone.  I would take care of myself, as I always had, and by extension, my growing family.   Once I understood this desire came from a place of fear and ego, I was able to accept help.   Instead of one piece of string holding things together, there were several intertwined.  If one thread weakened, the others could still support the precious cargo of my life until recovery strengthen that first thread.


2.     The only judges that matter are your partner and kids.
I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer’s motivational talk.  One message changed me.  He said we can’t worry about our reputation.  If we cross paths with 1,000 people, we have 1,000 different perceptions of us spinning in the world.  We can’t control those ideas of us and can barely influence, so why try.  I have chosen to travel my life with my husband and our children.   Who we are is NOT defined by external perceptions.   At the end of this journey, the quality of my parenting and skills as a partner will be apparent in those relationships. 

3.     Behave today like you are looking back from the finish-line.
Life gets more complicated when we add the responsibility of how choices made for ourselves and our children will become part of their DNA.  The pressure is daunting.  The fear of looking forward can be so paralyzing that we pack too much in, live in a state of self-doubt and stress, without realizing we have already modelled and imprinted those negative characteristics on our kids.  I picture my 80 year old self observing my adult children and if I am likely to wish they slowed down, had more awareness of gratitude and breathed in more joy, I must model that behavior for them in their childhood.  In the interim, that positive life focus brews a happier Mom and Dad.


4.     “Balance” is not a state of existence; it can be an average over time. 
My early life with kids felt like a roller coaster.  When I thought I had it figured out, it changed again.  The highs soared and the lows were dark – with very little resting in the middle ground, where I thought ‘balance’ lived.  I craved balance.  I finally realized that balance for us is an average over time.  We are passionate people – I wouldn’t change that!  Removing the bliss of our highs just to avoid lows would rob us of joy.  We may never live in a state of complete Zen.  As long as our peaks and valleys average to a manageable state of calm, we are doing just fine.


5.     YOU are more than enough for the right people.
Trust yourself – you know the right answer for you and your family.  You and your partner chose each other because of who you are and what you believe in.  Every single day we do a thousand things that show our character, without even trying.  If we ARE good humans we will likely raise good humans, unintentionally.  Add to that some planning, education, and conscious effort and the positive results multiply. 


In the end, my advice is simple.  Trust yourself and be kind to you.  If you are doing well, those who take their cue from you will also be well. 

p.s.  I don’t live in a cabin and have just a few trees, but this family I am a part of – the bliss is worth the bother!!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It Only Takes One

My son's daycare had five amazing, 8-foot sunflowers growing in their garden this summer.  My own sunflowers didn't do very well so we asked if we could have some of the seeds from daycare to plant in our garden next summer.  Shawna began to harvest the seeds from the faces of the sunflowers.  She took some home with her and a creature destroyed most of them - only a few remaining in their shells.  She returned to daycare to learn that the heads of the remaining sunflowers had been stolen right off their stalks in the yard of the daycare.  The ladies were upset and disappointed that they might not be able to carry on the tradition of their sunflowers. Cornell Sunflower - see the attempt at taping the stem ... When my husband got home from work today he told me their story and asked,"hey - do you have any more of those books with the 'Cornell Sunflower' story?"  A story I wrote was published by 'Chicken Soup' and the similarities to th...
1 comment
Read more

Elvis the Cat

Elvis the cat went missing last Thursday night.   For 14 years Elvis the Cat lived with me indoors. He was afraid of the outside.   Due to kidney disease, he has been living on borrowed time but was still vibrant, fat and happy.   Lately, he seemed desperate to get outside.   I had been warned he might run away to die.      I searched for two days and nights, was sad, and began to look back …. We met at a farm in 1999.   He was undernourished, with mites and fleas.   I was embarking on a new, independent life.   We knew instantly that we belonged to each other.   I nursed him back to life – physically, and he nourished my spirit.   I didn’t hear him meow for the first few years of his life.   I always thought it was because I saw to his every need before he knew he had it.   At night, he would sleep curled in my arms.   If he heard a noise, he would perch on the end of my bed between me and a potenti...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cornell Community Soup

“Cornell Community Soup” is more than just a metaphor for the melting pot of cultures, religions, beliefs and politics we embody.  The Village of Cornell is nestled in the eastern boarder of Markham, Ontario, surrounded by sister villages that continue the tradition of service and support throughout the community.  I have lived on my block in Cornell for 16 years.  Bigger houses with lower prices from the north continue to tempt, yet the warm hug of this community always keeps us home.  In anticipation of another exciting Blue Jay’s post season game, a pot of turkey soup is simmering on our stove.  Turkey from the Markham Butcher , and carrots and garlic from Reesor Farm .  Both local small business run by families who suffered losses this month.  The Markham Butcher and his wife lost their precious baby son earlier this month.  An unfathomable tragedy.  Reesor Farm was   targeted by trespassers and looters  on Thanksgiving Mon...
Post a Comment
Read more