“I would live in a cabin in the woods with the right man,
for the opportunity to have children and raise a family.” I said this when I was 33, after spending 15
years launching a career and travelling the globe.
My first child was born when I was 36. My second and last birth slipped in before my
40th birthday. I had hoped
being a ‘mature Mom’ would eliminate hurdles.
With my career already
established and decades of learning packed into my personal toolbox – I had
this covered.
After exceeding expectations throughout my first 30 years I
could certainly balance a demanding career and parenting, along with our
existing social and family life, without a hiccup. If I read everything about effective parenting,
absorbed all of the requested and uninvited advice, I would earn my supermom
cape, right?
W R O N G ! !
Or more accurately, I
wisely realized I no longer wanted that cape.
At 47 I look back with greater insight.
If only I could whisper in the
ear of my 35 year old self, I would tell me ….
1.
Accepting help builds strength.
My life experiences molded a stubborn need to be self-sufficient. I couldn’t be a burden to anyone. I would take care of myself, as I always had,
and by extension, my growing family. Once I understood this desire came from a
place of fear and ego, I was able to accept help. Instead of one
piece of string holding things together, there were several intertwined. If one thread weakened, the others could
still support the precious cargo of my life until recovery strengthen that first
thread.
2.
The only judges that matter are your
partner and kids.
I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer’s motivational talk. One message changed me. He said we can’t worry about our reputation. If we cross paths with 1,000 people, we have
1,000 different perceptions of us spinning in the world. We can’t control those ideas of us and can
barely influence, so why try. I have
chosen to travel my life with my husband and our children. Who we are is NOT defined by
external perceptions. At the end of this journey, the quality of my
parenting and skills as a partner will be apparent in those relationships.
3.
Behave today like you are looking
back from the finish-line.
Life gets more complicated when we add the responsibility of how choices made
for ourselves and our children will become part of their DNA. The pressure is daunting. The fear of looking forward can be so paralyzing that we
pack too much in, live in a state of self-doubt and stress, without realizing we
have already modelled and imprinted those negative characteristics on our kids.
I picture my 80 year old self
observing my adult children and if I am likely to wish they slowed down, had
more awareness of gratitude and breathed in more joy, I must model that
behavior for them in their childhood. In
the interim, that positive life focus brews a happier Mom and Dad.
4.
“Balance” is not a state of existence;
it can be an average over time.
My early life with kids felt like a roller coaster. When I thought I had it figured out, it
changed again. The highs soared and the
lows were dark – with very little resting in the middle ground, where I thought
‘balance’ lived. I craved balance. I finally realized that balance for us
is an average over time. We are passionate people – I wouldn’t change
that! Removing the bliss of our highs just to
avoid lows would rob us of joy. We
may never live in a state of complete Zen.
As long as our peaks and valleys average to a manageable state of calm,
we are doing just fine.
5.
YOU are more than enough for the
right people.
Trust
yourself – you know the right answer for you and your family. You and your partner chose each other because
of who you are and what you believe in. Every
single day we do a thousand things that show our character, without even
trying. If we ARE good humans we will likely raise
good humans, unintentionally.
Add to that some planning, education, and conscious effort and the
positive results multiply.
In the end, my advice is simple. Trust yourself and be kind to you.
If you are doing well, those who take their cue from you will
also be well.
p.s. I don’t live in a cabin and have just a few
trees, but this family I am a part of – the bliss is worth the bother!!
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