Hurt people - hurt
people. I feel very sorry for my
daughter’s Bully. Are you surprised to
hear that?
I am not an Educator.
I am not a Psychologist.
I am not a bullying
expert.
I am an empathetic
human being, and a dedicated Mom.
I was bullied as a
child – weren’t we all at one time or another?
I grew up in a tough neighbourhood.
I remember watching the clock, in fear of the ‘end-of-day-bell’ because
the pending threat of “after school you are dead” was looming over me. I had a great family with love and support,
and yet many weeks went by where I felt isolated and in fear for my safety.
Progress is a wonderful thing.
The school systems today have ‘zero tolerance’ for bullying
and violence. That doesn’t mean it has
stopped, just that my kids won’t hear what I did from the school; “walk home
another way; kids will be kids; just turn the other cheek”. Teenaged suicide is on the rise – and a large
motivation is the pain and humiliation they experience from bullying at school
along with cyber-bullying – meaning they can’t escape their bully at home. Of all places, ‘home’ should be the
safe-haven for a child to escape to.
When bullies can reach them at home through their technology, what
chance does that child or his/her parents have to build up their self-esteem
and strength to deal with their bully?
My daughter has been bullied for 10 months by one girl. Let’s call that girl ‘Sad’. Daily verbal assaults and psychological games
have been directed at my daughter to result in her feeling she needs permission
from ‘Sad’ to be herself – in the classroom or playground. Two physical incidents occurred, and still we
were dedicated to working with the Teacher and coaching our daughter to stand
up to her bully – all because we felt our daughter needs to know she can solve
her own problems so she can grow up strong and self-sufficient. Our view altered this week when her bully
held a pair of scissors beside her head – and later blamed my daughter for ‘telling’
because it was ‘a joke’.
Not funny ‘Sad’.
The school now has a plan in place to help my daughter feel
safe, and the bully was punished – but will ‘Sad’ stop her negative behaviour
toward my child? Time will tell. I am guessing – no. My daughter has a great deal of support and
coaching. She is taught to relish her
uniqueness, be kind to everyone – friends and bullies. My daughter will NOT hit a child back when
she is hit – because regardless of what they have done to her, she is passive
and does not want to hurt someone else.
We support her values and will not let ‘Sad’ or anyone else drive her to
lose her own wonderful qualities – just to fit in and avoid being a target.
So why a love letter to ‘Sad’? I show empathy because I am taking direction
from my own daughter who doesn’t hate her bully. She feels empathy and understands her bully
must have deep sadness inside her to want to hurt someone else.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Sad,
I am sorry you are upset about having in-school suspension
this week. You must feel embarrassed and
worried about how that might affect you. You might be worried that people will look at
you and talk about you now. I expect you will want to blame my daughter
for being a “tattletale”. I want you to
know that I forgive you and hope you to feel better soon.
Please know that ‘tattletale’ is a ridiculous word. It suggests there is something negative about
asking for help when you are confused or hurt by the behavior of another. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help,
in fact, it is a MUST. I encourage you
to do that for yourself. You must feel
very sad to want to hurt other people.
I don’t think you are bad.
Kids aren’t born ‘bad’. We all
want attention. We all want someone to
know we exist. Sometimes it seems easier
to get that attention by doing or saying something to hurt someone – because others
pay attention to that fast. But when you
hurt other people you hurt yourself more.
Last night we had a family discussion about your behavior
toward our daughter and your resulting punishment. I want you to know that my daughter said “I
agree with Mom. She isn’t bad … I think
if she just changed her attitude she could be really good!!” Your behavior toward my daughter hurt her, it
hurt me and her Dad, and it hurt her younger Brother – but most of all, it hurt
YOU.
A bit of advice from someone who has lived in this world for
46 years; life is like a mirror. What you put out, you get back. If you put out negative feelings and hateful
behavior, you will get that back. And the
more mirrors you project it to, the stronger it will come back at YOU. You will ALWAYS hurt yourself more than you
hurt others. It makes mathematical
sense. If you project kindness, empathy and
goodness, THAT is what will come back to you.
‘Sad’, you obviously have amazing leadership skills. If you continue to develop and use those
skills to rally people and behaviors for good, amazing things will come back to
you and you could change the world for the better. If you use those skills in a negative way,
the opposite will be true. That would be
a terrible waste of your skills.
Sad, from my family to YOU:
We care about
you. We see you. We KNOW there is good in you.
In my next letter, I would like to address it to ‘Happy’ and
know that you truly are.
Signed,
the Mom of the girl
you no longer bully.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Comments
Post a Comment